My father was the epicentre of my life, the root of my existence. He had chronic ulcerative colitis and suffered for a long eight months. Doctors said he could be saved if God willed so. I was an atheist who had since childhood challenged the existence of God. Yet I never thought I would lose my father. The day I did, I declared an internal war against God.
As I turned against the supreme, the darkest journey of my life begun. My family—which consists of my mother and my younger sister—came under severe financial pressure and I struggled with emotional malnourishment. For five years after father's death, I burnt myself hollow with despair and bitterness. I lost all hope and tried to end my life. The supreme saved me. After that I tumbled along with the flow since nothing was happening in accordance with my plans. A stone-hearted atheist, I began to discern that I was not the controller of my life.
One blessed day, I saw a
swaroop of Guruji pasted on the walls of a park near my house. It was a poster, but just looking at it gave me relief. I kept seeing images of Guruji for a week and became intensely curious about who He was. Then I saw His swaroop inside the office cabin of a senior, under whom I was interning. I gathered strength to ask him about the photo. He replied that it was of "the Divine Guruji". I did not dig further since the concept of a Guru made no sense to me. A friend who was working with me was also Guruji's devotee. Soon I was asking her to take me to Guruji, and she told me about the Bade Mandir timings. She played
shabads for me inside our office workspace. I connected instantly with the divine verses, finding peace in their hymns, even though this was the first time I was hearing the holy verses.
One day, while listening to the shabads, my eyes shut, I saw Guruji standing in front of me, His palms open. I heard him say: "
Bahut ho gaya nastikpana, hun mandir aja". (Enough of being an atheist; now come to the Mandir). I was baffled. I had a history of depression and did not believe in the voice I was hearing. I still felt a deep urge to visit the Mandir. I did not even have money to take a cab to it though. But the news that a staunch atheist was going to a temple spread in the office. Resultantly, I got a ride with two office people who were going to the Mandir.
The moment I stepped into the
sewa vehicle which took us to the Mandir, my mind was struck silent. Not a single thought came. As I entered the Mandir, I felt like an infant. A
sewadaar made us sit near the
samadhi and served us divine
chai parshad. I had not taken a sip of tea in my entire life. Here I felt as if it was quenching a desert-like thirst. My tears coursed uncontrollably. Guruji alone knew that I had not cried over my father's death. The sight of father's body had struck me a body blow. Now all my supressed feelings found their way out. The clogged drains of my emotional life had festered into negativity; with Guruji's grace, they were opened and the fresh healing waters of His presence came into me.
My soul relaxed in the Mandir. I finally felt that I was no longer an orphan. Guruji had accepted me as His daughter. Today I feel so blessed that He came and grabbed me. Otherwise, I would have become akin to a dead fish.
He made me realize that he is Mahashiva and also my dearest father. So I call him Gurupa. I have two relations with him—that of Guru and disciple and also of father and daughter. Since this visit to Bade Mandir when Guruji made me His daughter, there has been no looking back.
Avisha A Arora, a devotee
November 2021