March of 2009 brought with it a bout of setbacks. Before my graduation was to end, a sudden, unpleasant fall-out with my friends dealt a blow to my ego. I was left with an empty shell, a feeling of not having existed at college; an undecipherable emptiness came over me. But this time also opened the portals of divinity for me, as revered Sai Baba's benediction and presence came to my help. Still, I fell into mental chaos, and was gripped by a plethora of physical afflictions. The high point of the crisis came at the end of the year, as my competitive exams–for which I had already dropped a year–were to begin. My cousin elder brother, intimately connected with our family ever since his childhood, passed away in an accident. I relapsed into absolute helplessness.
With Sai Baba's grace I still sailed through to a post-graduate admission. Some respite came as college classes began only for the inner tumult and misery to surface with redoubled force. I earnestly yearned then for Baba's
darshans, the impetus for which came from the deep spiritual connection I had formed with Him. Around that time, I had a vivid dream:
On a moonless and melancholic night sky, I was flailing about in an endless ocean raging with an unrelenting storm. I was dreading drowning in the deadly mysterious waters that had been released from their bounds in that limitless ocean. I realized I would be taken in and my spirit resigned to the waters. Suddenly, at some distance ahead, in His majestic form, Shivji became manifest. Standing with the lower half of His body immersed in the ocean, which now looked less substantial, He was a composed figure of absolute meditativeness. Everything ceased. The next moment Shivji had lifted me out by His hand and sat me atop His right shoulder. Sitting as a tiny figure, in immense gratitude, I bent forward smilingly to thank Him for saving me. At that instant I saw, on the right side of Shivji's face, Sai Baba's face made manifest, smiling back. A moment later, Shivji had already taken me to the shore.
This vision was an assurance of Sai Baba's protection and a harbinger of Guruji's presence in my life. Whenever I was restless, I would try to get answers from revered Sai Baba through telepathy. Once when the answers were much delayed, Baba relayed to me that I was not to seek them out, as I was now bound to meet my Guru, who would lead me further on my journey. I did not understand the solemnity of this indication, for I was focused on my answer and had not known what finding a Guru meant. I could never have intended to not be a follower and devotee of Baba!
Continuing health problems, and psychological distress and a negative energy I felt surrounding me gave me insomnia for nearly three years. I fearfully concluded that I would become unstable and break down, failing to secure my academic master's degree.
I was much steadier when I got a job by end of year 2011. By the last semester, and with Baba's blessings, my world became much lighter. On the 8
th of March 2012, after three years of enduring the tempest of mental distress even while sailing under Baba's divine watch, Guruji Maharaj's call came. My maternal aunt phoned and mentioned that she had attended an annual
satsang of Guruji's that was held at Noida. She reported feeling very positive. (In hindsight, there had been a vision, a precursor to the call. I had dreamt of two snakes coiling around my feet. The episode had no negativity attached to it. Since I had often experienced nightmares since 2009, I had put down the incidence to my phobia of the dark. Later, I came to learn that Guruji Maharaj had mentioned that snakes were a sign of His presence.)
I experienced an immediate pull, and my mother and I were of one mind about visiting Guruji's Bade Mandir. My definite purpose was to find the answer to a persistent dilemma I had earlier put forward to Baba. We went to the Mandir without delay. We stopped on our way to pay our obeisance at the Mother Goddess's temple at Chattarpur and then on to Guruji's Mandir. We parked at the ground adjacent to the Mandir, where the sand was lit golden by the sun and blew about uninterruptedly. The Bade Mandir came up as a magnificent, consecrated form in white, transcendentally silent, inhabiting time and space with lightness, with a most majestic Shivalinga rising above it while a flag swayed on top as a holy insignia of divine greatness.
A lighter being surfaced inside me. The dross of the material world fell away. In Bade Mandir, I did not know time; I was barely even aware of my highs, which were fully ethereal. As I was standing by the left side of the samadhi hall, everything disappeared and a brilliant auric space came alive, holding me in a deep embrace of unconditional acceptance, wordlessly saying "Welcome." In that instant so much was deeply experienced, silently. Guruji was all existence, manifest as pure space. But to have suddenly realized that I was accepted by existence itself, as though I had never separated from it and would never be judged by it, was overwhelming. That all the tussles of the mind that had run for lifetimes together did not bear any meaning at all! In another quick moment, a state of awareness flashed before me with the entire experience of my past, revealing to me that I was an ancient bundle of repetitive patterns that had played over endlessly. An intensely brilliant divine light was the sole truth, it was the only life; compared to it, all creation was dull. Never could I have anticipated that such a priceless phenomenon had awaited me. I had found God! It may have taken me two visits or more to fully absorb what revered Guruji Maharaj had given to me. I had forgotten that Baba had already conveyed that I would find my Guru.
The supreme task of knowing God was dispelled in the infinite pool of Guruji Maharaj's supreme presence. All creation was an iota, a speck, within Guruji's true stature as the one reality, as the one source. And 'All' had happened on coming here.
All Guruji's
swaroops in the
durbar were a live, mystical presence. I did wonder about His royal demeanor, having before known the divine in only a
fakir's form. But that first day, I silently floated about in the premises. For the next three months, I breathed day and night in Guruji. I lived as spontaneously as carefree as creation flows itself. To be under Guruji's watch, under the wholehearted acceptance of the Creator himself, made me feel special, safe and at ease. Guruji gifted me with the realization that a golden cord always connected my deeper self with Guruji's true, formless nature. That revered Guruji was my true mother, my very source. I experienced the cool warmth of a thousand suns within the center of my being, overwhelming to contain. Bliss and fervor never knew any bounds during my visits to Bade Mandir and always remained with me. Bade Mandir was the elevated, transcendental center of the universe, consecrated by the supreme power itself to enjoin and bear the time, space and creation of endless epochs.
Within it I felt like fresh life, an infant crawling artlessly on Guruji's turf. Communion with Guruji, especially during
shabad simran, was so deeply immersing that tears would flow ceaselessly. Guruji became (and is) my all. Once while looking at Guruji's swaroop, I was awestruck and stunned at how such immeasurable beauty had contained itself in a single human form.
Overwhelmed and clueless about His true nature, a dazed, deeper self in me meekly asked who He truly was. The grave word given in answer was "
Nirankaar", the formless divine. In that context, I realized the futility of my false identity and yearned for it to be dispelled forever. Though the karmic journey and cleansing of the soul have their say, with Guruji's blessings, I have seen the one Truth that is the final destination of the soul's journey.
Surrender is devotion's hallmark
One afternoon I sat listening to an audio satsang. The devotee talked about how Guruji had told her: "
Halle tu surrender nahi kitta. (You have not surrendered yet.)" Right then I felt a pat on my head. Cognizing Guruji's presence immediately, I blushed at His doting way, but did not pick up on the message being given. A few weeks later, I went through tough times on the work front. The new job was disappointing and diminishing on every level and began taking a toll on my health. During this time, revered Guruji kept on bestowing His blessings, which helped me and kept me connected. But the sudden hard period that came after the angelic phase was difficult to bear. One morning I woke up hearing the words of a quiet, internal voice: "
Halle tu surrender nahi kitta." I was confused since I had never asked Guruji for anything. I earnestly prayed to Him: "
I don't know what surrender means, so I plead that You transform me into a surrendered Self."
The day I first came to Bade Mandir and met Guruji, that golden period of the Divine introduction, cannot ever be put in words. An endless rain of divine love, flowing from the only real and pure connection, of the holy and the true, purified me of lifetimes of karma. Later, and importantly, I understood that surrender is the keystone of devotion, and it begins and ends in Guruji, but is a path that still must be walked through.
It is extremely difficult to relate Guruji Maharaj's
mahima, since as mortals we can only ever draw out small if limpid streams from the everlasting fountainhead of His divinity. He keeps showering His divine blessings through His presence and darshans. It is a profound, deeply felt connection. My humble, if not absolutely pure, prostration before Guruji Maharaj's lotus feet. Jai Guruji!
Deepti Talwar, a devotee
October 2022